emotions

Just recently I have begun to cry again.

I have spent so much time crying in the past that I raged when I felt the tears coming on...fighting against them, not allowing them to fall!!

The seemed to do no good, only to give me stuffed up, painful sinuses :((((

Over the years I have taken anti-depressants to curb my negative feelings and thoughts and reduce my anxiety, so that I could function in the world of others.  For the most part, they never worked...they powerfully subdued me and my emotions into a useless husk of a person, going through the motions in an ineffective and tortuous way :((  Then a few years ago, a change of doctor found me an anti-depressant that actually made me feel better....but I have tried not to rely on the tablets and sought to give them up periodically.  I failed and went back on them...varying the dose to suit the traumas I had at that particular time. Recently, I unknowingly weaned myself off them....just kept forgetting to take them and then realised I had not taken them for such an amount  of time that they could no longer be in my system..........and lo and behold I was "OK".  Then I had a bit of a relapse and thought about resuming.......only to realise that actually I was just reacting "normally".....sad things made me cry.......good things made me smile and laugh.........frustrating things made me angry...........oh no....they didn't......they made me feel a bit peeved...maybe even annoyed.......but I have lost the anger....the horrible controlling anger that I hated more than any other emotion I eve had.  The anger that made me do things I am not proud of, that cause me nightmares, that made me react in such ways that I can't fully explain.  The horrible controlling anger monster seems to have left me....I won't let it back in if it does try to come back..................the tablets kept it away but at what price?   The tears and the anger always arrived together and so now, the tears on their own are free to flow naturally and stop naturally too :))

I just hope that I am not deluding myself :)))