Thoughts on belief

Last night I was unable to sleep again and so watched a film called The Believer about a young Jewish man who becomes a skinhead Jew-hater following his estrangement from his religion due to the reason that he believed god to be a bully.  The case of Abraham being asked by god to kill his son Isaac was not seen, by him, to be a test of his faith and belief in god and an obedience to him that showed Abraham to be a devout believer. Instead he believed that God made Abraham suffer just because he could...he had the power.   Throughout the film, he shows his hate and loathing of Jews by joining a fascist group and talking on the subject of Jews and all that is wrong with them.  On one occasion, they break into a synagogue and he joins in the desecration but he still feels that some things are sacred. I believe that he wants so much to NOT believe but can't really help himself and is filled with self loathing.  He eventually commits suicide when it becomes clear that he is actually Jewish and an article appears in the New York Times [I think that's the paper].

I was brought up a Christian.  I really thought that there was no question about the validity of my religion and certainly not that it was an opinion and I had the choice to believe or not.  Long before I knew this I felt that something was not right.  I feared that I was a bad person because I doubted this validity.  I sometimes used to open my eyes during prayers at school to see what everyone else was doing and it seemed to me that nobody else doubted it.  When I finally found out, I happily gave up religion and never looked back........until some dark days in my life when I felt that either I or my loved ones were in danger and then I would pray.  My prayer was always the same....."You know I don't believe in you but just in case, will you help me now?........You should know, if you are omnipotent that I am a good person and that I would not blindly follow you, just for a place in heaven.......I am the doubter....and as such I feel that you could make me believe if you really do exist.  Nevertheless, I am willing to give up my immortal soul if you will help me now....stop this awful thing from happening and get us through".  I have no idea if he helped or not but I have got through somehow.  I'm prepared for whatever happens after I die and am not afraid.  If there is nothing, then that's fine.....if there is an afterlife and I have blown it, that's tough...if I have got through by the skin of my teeth or have impressed god with my determined lack of blind faith...then that's good....if not and I burn in hell for all eternity......well I am prepared to do it.

I've had friends of all faiths and still find it hard to believe that they "need" something to believe in.....I even find it hard to believe people who don't believe in anything.................the simple matter is that we don't know and I don't really want to know....let it be a surprise I say.  I live my life in the best way I can and I try my hardest to be the best person I can.  By that I mean I don't want to be seen just as "good"......I'm a flawed human being after all........but my reason for doing anything is always the same.  I can't bear to think I have hurt anyone, I know I have and I feel truly sorry for it but it's not even something I dare to ask forgiveness for...........whatever I have done wrong I have to suffer the consequences.

I once told my Jehovah's witness friend who so wanted to "save" me, that I didn't want that.  I told her that if God is real, then all the disbelief in the world could not make him any less real ..........and that is why I believe that all the belief in the world cannot make him real either.  

So....why do I have feelings of guilt?  Why would I not desecrate a church?  Why would I never tell a believer that they are wrong?  Well, I believe that when we believe that something is true, we may occasionally have feelings of doubt.................so when you don't believe you have the same feelings of doubt [but obviously in reverse]....simple really.

The biggest problem I have is with organised religions.  I will write about that again as I am now in pain.